In our midst, without really realizing it, are opportunities to boost our parenting or to set us back so far we wonder where it was that we went wrong??? I think for me my troubles lie with teaching over 400 kids BEFORE actually having any of my own. You see, I already had it all figured out. I had selected what type of child I wanted, observed the ones that I didn't, even judged those parents. If they only put him to bed at a reasonable hour. Maybe if they didn't work such long hours...Feed her healthy meals, spend time reading and playing games...I thought I knew just what to do. I was going to be a great parent, I already had "experience". It was going to be a breeze...
Well, I choose to put my career on hold because I thought it would be better to stay home then to use daycare. I buy educational games and search high and low for creative supplies for when we make crafts, we have play dough, a kitchen with play dishes, we play outside with chalk, we garden and ride scooters, we visit educational places to spark interest and curiosity. We read books quietly and dress up like princess, cheerleaders, doctors, kitty cats and mermaids. We take long baths, wash the car, splash in the pool, blow bubbles, anything and everything I can think of...to offer Natalie the opportunities "good kids', "well behaved" kids, "well adjusted" kids SHOULD have...this is where I get confused...
My child isn't what I thought she would be like...ironically she seems to be a lot like I was when I was young. I thought I could prevent her the pain of being as weird as me...she is louder then the other kids, she is clumsier then the other kids, she is rougher, taller, talks more, and otherwise appears more challenging then the other kids....
I can recognize these personality traits as desirable once she is an adolescent, after all I made the best of these quirky traits, but for the next 15 years, it will be a rough road...both for me and her. I want to protect her and make things easier for her, what parent doesn't?
I wish parenting was as easy as choosing what type of child you would you like and then follow a "recipe" to ensure the proper child develops and grows into exactly what you expect. I am GOOD at following recipes...I can even improve them sometimes by adding a special ingredient, sweetening or making it more scrumptious.
So why am I struggling to make my child sweet and scrumptious. It is because I am lost, I wish someone could tell me where I go wrong, why the day starts off okay and somewhere between my sweet kisses at wake up and mid morning snack I'm yelling, cleaning up a messy house, threatening a time out and by nap time praying for sleep. When it is really bad I'm crying and wondering just how much she'll hate me in a few years.
I am really surprised at how one day she can be an angel with impressive manners, those are the days I feel like I have it all figured out, the few moments I feel like I'm not letting her down as much as I thought I was...if I could only savor those moments enough to get me through the other times...
This is a very honest post after an incredibly hard day. I always felt like an excellent teacher, I worked my tail off to succeed. I work even harder as a parent, get less thanks, not even a coffee mug, and go to bed in fear that I have ruined my child...I am building quite a selection of parenting books, although I wouldn't write a single good review on any of them.
I hope tomorrow is better, I hope she is happy and well adjusted, just for tomorrow, I hope I see a glimpse of success, a thank you or even day with no hitting, maybe she'll eat without hassle or play well with friends at the park. I wonder what the moms think of me when they see my child taunt theirs, because sadly I feel less alone and more normal when we get to play the victim...when we are the pair receiving an apology, when we are the innocent ones...
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3 comments:
Oh, Suzanne. I feel for you, really I do. I like your honesty too. Please stop beating yourself up for having a difficult time - you aren't doing anything wrong! There is no such thing as a perfect mom, or perfect child. But you are a fantastic mom! I can relate to feeling alone, because of the challenges I've had with Matt. I feel like the stressed-out, short-fused mom with the misbehaved kid, and it seems that very few understand what it's like. It's true I didn't become a yeller until he came along, and when I was faced with the challenges, I felt like my "great mom" badge was yanked away from me and I had to fly by a new set of rules that I still haven't figured out. What I've learned is that there are no set rules in parenting. There are bad days, good days, and days I seriously consider leaving my kids on the corner with a sign that says " free to a brave home", lol. Today, after totally losing my cool and nearly screaming at him until my throat hurt, I grounded Matt to his room for the entire day because 1. he was being an out of control monster and 2. I thought he'd be safer in there - it was one of those days. Tonight he cuddled up with me on the couch as if nothing had happened. Earlier I had a bad mommy moment, and he was a mega monster, but we both got over it. It's times like that when I realize that my my kid isn't so bad after all, I'm not the worst mom in the world, and there's hope. I know I'm rambling (I'll blame it on the pain pill I took a little bit ago), but just remember that often times it's hard to see the awesome kid underneath the behaviors. Natalie is a great kid, she's smart and funny, and she's definitely got your adventurous spirit! Look how wonderful you turned out - she will do the same. It may be a rough and sometimes painful road, but hang in there, and vent anytime you'd like. And one more thing - don't worry about what other people think! It's easy for others to judge when they haven't walked a mile in your shoes, so who cares what they think. You're a great mom. :)
Hugs, Suzanne.
I came to this point several months ago. My heart ached for Sage & her personality.
(As you know) she is shy, reserved, overly sensitive, has a hard time making friends, gets painfully uncomfortable in new situations. Basically, she's me as a child. (And, sometimes an adult!)
I was able to look at a close friend & realize that part of the reason I loved & appreciated her friendship so much was these same qualities that I was sad Sage exhibited. I realized that as a grown up Sage's sweet temperament will be an asset to her life.
When I think of Natalie I think of one of your friends at her party. I think she was a fellow teacher. She was friendly, made everyone feel welcome, took charge of the different situations that arose that may have been unexpected. She was assertive & bubbly & intelligent.
Natalie will be all these things & more. While we aren't shaping our daughters' personalities, we are teaching them how to make the most of them & how to use them in the best way possible.
I will be praying for your mommy heart!
Oh hunny. You are an excellent mother because you see all those things and are being honest with yourself and her. There are SO many things that are unexpected and more difficult than imagined about parenting. Hang in there, remember she is God's child too, and He will work with you... Love you, praying for you, try to really hold on to the good moments!!! Hope you had a better day after this post!!!
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